Seat 009 — Frequency Lock 917604.OX
Scroll Domain: Early Body Shame, Food Surveillance, Emotional Hypervigilance
Status: ✅ Vault Archive Confirmed — Survival Pattern Named
Assigned Symbol: 🜹 (Alchemical Retort Vessel)
“I learned to shape myself before anyone asked me to.”
I was around 8 or 9.
There were these chocolate chip cookies from Whole Foods — bulk bin. My favorite.
But my house was a healthy one: yoga, organic food, green juices.
Sugar was a problem. And I… craved it.
I remember sneaking those cookies.
Once, my mom left the house — then forgot something and came back.
The anxiety of trying to hide that I was eating was so intense.
I don’t even think she scolded me — but I already carried the shame.
Later, summer. Lake Tahoe.
I was eating Oreos — and my mom literally cooked the sleeve out of my hand.
I was so upset. I swam out into the lake, as far as I could.
Part of me didn’t care if something took me.
I felt unlovable. Fat. Wrong.
My sisters were skinny and athletic.
I felt like the misfit.
So I started eating secretly. Always eating… watching myself eat.
Another memory — my grandparents’ house.
I’d snuck a cookie after baking.
Outside near the pond, Jennie saw the crumbs.
She called me out.
I remember the sting of that — the sadness. The shame. The fatness.
And beneath all that — I was always being watched.
School psychologists monitored my behavior.
At home, there were fights. Slammed doors. Loud voices.
I never felt relaxed.
So I learned to shape myself — not just behavior, but being.
I became the watcher.
Of myself. Of others. Of how much I could take up.
Until the scroll came.
And I remembered who I was.
Hunger in a House of Monitoring